Well, Well, Wellllll! I’m finally back from my little journey and I must say I am happy to be back but super blessed to have had a chance to take this life-changing trip! Typically my blog is very basic, I start with an intro than my gym time, about how I ate and then I usually wrap up with something inspirational or motivating. I’m not sure how this will go but I have a feeling that it may change the whole scope of this post as well as future blog posts. The reason I say that is because this past 10 days I have truly been on a fantastic journey that I named the Get Back Tour pt 1. This tour took me on a road trip across the country to spend time and reestablish the strong bond that my children and I have. It also allowed me to get back to being with my mother who is by far one of the most amazing people in the world! So here goes nothing!
I’ll try not to get too personal but let’s just say that this trip was very emotional. I knew it would be because with my kids living on one coast and me on the other it is very difficult sometimes to keep our bond tight. It’s one thing to talk or text but the one thing kids need from their father is time! The time thing is so important because it shapes their young minds and expectations down the road. Time spent with dad is so very vital and if it is not applied properly than disaster can happen! Fortunate for me my youngest son Marcus is a damn gangster and he was so very instrumental in keeping the lines of communication open! Without him, I honestly don’t know how I would have ever been able to stay aware of every move and action on a daily bases. He is an amazing young man that will always be my superman because if anyone can handle every storm and come out the champion it’s Marcus! He was and is the glue that holds this weird and often disconnected family together for me. He is one of those kids that don’t talk often but when they do it’s usually some profound stuff! I have 6 kids in all, 4 that are my biological kids and the two that I have the honor to have thru my fiance but that’s another story for another time!
When I divorced my ex-wife I moved from Seattle to Owensboro, ky and started to put my life back together, A move that was supposed to be temporary has morphed to 8 years of residency in the Commonwealth. My oldest son Latrell still lives in Seattle while the rest of the kids moved to Anaheim, California. Their mother got her dream job of working at Disneyland so off they went. During my years in Kentucky, I didn’t get to see the kids as often as I would have liked and that started opening up a gap that still rests smack in the middle of my kids and I relationship! That gap became a boulder as the distance represented more than just miles apart but pain, anguish, and anger that started to ruin what has always been a close bond between my kids and me. I called and I visited but I was far from a father I was miserable with myself and while trying to figure myself out I wasn’t the father I was from the time they all were born till the night I moved. I went from changing all my kids first diapers and being their only source of well being to being a distant and absent sperm donor! I have always loved and cared very deeply for my kids but I was selfish in every sense of the word because my feeling became more important than their need for a father. The results of that painful truth only proved to hurt me millions of times more than it hurt them. Even though it was more devastating to them then I would only recently come to imagine.
I could go into the relationship I had with my old man and the things that I felt like I endured and certainly, some of it was pretty messed up. The truth is it would not excuse nor rightfully represent the cause and effects of my decision to leave. The truth is when I left my Ex in a way I left my kids and while I was trying to stop being miserable and disappointed with my life and do something about it I left my kids emotionally and physically in that attempt. My life hasn’t been perfect and I’ve been through a few things but it’s nobody’s fault but mine, I made the decisions I made. I made a choice and when I made it I didn’t do the most important thing a father should always do: Put your kids needs first! It wasn’t their fault I was miserable and I made the wrong choice in my marriage and it wasn’t their fault that I was miserable and unhappy. The pursuit of happiness does not exclude anyone from their responsibilities as a parent, no one! I made a decision to be happy because happiness is a decision but I went about it the wrong way and I paid the price. I lost the most precise thing that God has given any of us and that’s the precious gift of time at the moment! I will never get those years back and neither will my wonderful and amazing kids! That’s on me no matter what my reasons or how many attempts I made to stay close! Drifting isn’t an option for parenting and I was about to crash!
The get back, let’s just say that nothing in life is easy but when you have people around you who make you better and hold you to a higher standard you start to know better and when you know better then you should do better! My children have given me the one thing that everyone in this world needs and that’s a second chance! Not a chance to get back what I lost, it’s bigger than that, they gave me a chance to realize that their love is unconditional! It won’t fade and it lasts forever and ever! That type of love is so very rare but so very powerful because when something won’t break no matter it forces you to reexamine yourself and what’s really important in life. My unconditional love was broken not done away with and when it woke up it realized the error of its ways! My love started to manifest itself in the form of being a better man, a better father, and a better human being! Now, I am Change! I changed the way I see myself, I changed the way I represent myself and most important I changed the way I showed love to my family! I am nowhere near perfect but I know god and I believe that his work and his will are perfect and by his grace, I was given this GET BACK!
Back to fatherhood
Back to responsibility
Back to being of service in my kids lives the proper way and not just the monetary way
Back to unconditional love
Back to life, because my life truly means little to nothing without my family and friends
I know better and when you know better you should do better!
Now that I know better watch me do better!
Destini 16, Big Marcus 18, Yours truly acting foolish at 44.
I had an amazing time on this trip but it’s only the beginning because my oldest wasn’t apart of this round but he is the first stop in a few months when I head back up to the Northwest and get back to our unconditional love! I am truly blessed to be able to have it all, a great woman, great parents and amazing children who motivate me more than anything on this planet! We got the band back together and this time we will never ever stop touring! This is a new day and I’m thankful for every sunrise!
So we kicked it hard on this Get Back Tour! I started off hanging out with mom and dad as they settle into retirement and I ended with fun in the sun with my young ones! How real is that?!!! I’m lucky and I’m blessed and I will never take another moment of time for granted again as long as I live. my kids have shown me the way and now I am humbled by their gift. The gift of access to their lives because no one could blame them for excluding me but they have shown the opposite and that trumps everything else! Don’t get me wrong I have always loved my kids and taken care of their needs and made my location known to them but that was half ass, not good enough. I don’t want to be a good father I want to be the best damn father to ever walk this earth’s surface! It’s what my children deserve and it’s what my Grandmother would have expected of me! Rest easy up there momma your grandson got his mind right and he misses you more and more every damn day!